My head feels like a balloon full of air. I slept at 1:30 and woke up at 3:30 am today. The reason: It Started With A Kiss. I was so desperate to finish the DVD so I stayed awake until 1:30. I am eating chocolate here in the office to keep me awake.

I had a wonderful weekend. I went home, played with my nephew, played computer games in my brother's pirated DVD (Battle City, Twin Bee and Ice Climber) and watched ISWAK (I am having ISWAK flashback right now and I can't help but smile. hehe!) I wish I had more vacation. I wish it's already holy week so I can go home. My nephew is a very bright kid. I already miss playing with him.

Oh! I weighed myself last weekend and I am already 44 kilograms! My heaviest! Hehe!

Fear is starting to creep all over my body. I'm afraid. Very afraid. I would like to think that I am just emotional and over reacting but my intuition is seldom wrong. It has been right twice. I hate this feeling because it makes me really sad. I can't understand what's happening.

I am pretty occupied this morning with the thought that my high school classmate, Andrelee Mojica, graduated as the valedictorian of Philippine Military Academy (PMA) Class of 2007. Congrats to you friend!

Andrelee was my classmate for four years and we shared good and bad memories. Let's just mention a few of them.

When we were in second year, she and Blesse went to my boarding house during our lunch break. The two of them saw my crush, Kuya Ed, in the boarding house and asked him "Kailan mo ba liligawan si April Mae?" The things that you do when you are young.

Also, in second year, the two of them agreed to ignore me. They refused to talk to me, pretended not to hear me when I called their names and did not even look at me when I touched them to get their attention. They even acted like they were talking about and making fun of me. I ended up crying and my other classmates went to me. Of course, they asked why and accused them (Andrelee and Blesse) of being this and that. Later, they (she and Blesse) approached me and told me that they were just joking.

Oh! She was also my first classmate to know that I had my period. I was one of the three females in our class who haven't had it when we were in first year. I was on the verge of freaking out because I was having thoughts that something may be wrong with my body. But during the summer of 1997, I had my first period. (Anyway, why am I talking about my period in my blog? Hahaha!)

When we were in fourth year, she was the Adjutant in our CAT class. She was supposed to be the Corp Commander but they picked a guy from another section (a guy who was abusive of his powers) although they knew that she deserved it more just because she is a female! Ha! Look at her now! She has just rubbed it in your face.

Anyway, speaking of CAT, most female officers in the CAT is from my class and I remember that she was one of those who taught us the drills during lunch break. (Yeah, we were pretty serious of this CAT thingy in high school.)

And this is one of the most unforgettable. I have offended her! She and a classmate were playing dama and she lost two or three consecutive games. All our classmates were teasing her and I joined them. I told her, Mag-perdigana ka na lang! (Perdigana is the opposite of dama. You win when you get all of your pieces taken by the other player.) I swear I was just joking but she got offended and mad. All her co-officers where indignant and they plotted on punishing me during our CAT class in the afternoon. But I was prepared for what they might do. I told myself that I would stand my ground. I will not follow orders if they ask me to do a hundred pumps just because I offended her outside of CAT class. That's ridiculous! Walang personalan!

Right before our platoon was dismissed, Julie ordered me to do a certain number of pumps and Andrelee said, Huwag na! If she did not stop that, it could have caused chaos. I would have been the CAT officers' no. 1 enemy because I will not follow that order and report them to the commandant and hope they would be punished for that. If they don't and I get bullied later for telling the commandant, I know I would tell this to my father and we would let the principal know of this. Imagine what chaos it could have brought. I would probably have the worst days of my high school life. But it never happened (thank God!) because she didn't allow it. Later on, I apologized for what I said and we started talking again.

The last time I saw her was during the summer vacation after graduation. I asked her to teach me swimming basics because that was my first PE in college and I don't even know how to float in water. We met each other in school and she taught me all day. Well, I didn't really learn much but I was able to conquer my fear of sinking because of her.

Andrelee is a good swimmer. She used to represent our school in the inter-high school, South Cavite and regional swimming competition. If I am not mistaken, she even played for Palarong Pambansa. Butterfly and breast strokes are her events in the swimming competition.



The newspaper says that she never dreamed of becoming a sailor but she did! I remember that she told me she's taking business management course because they (I think it was her parents) wouldn't allow her to go to PMA. So when I learned from a friend of a friend who became her classmate in college that she pursued her PMA dreams, I know that she was finally able to do what she really wanted.

Congrats Andrelee! Big time ka na ngayon. I am happy for you! I know you really wanted that. You used to tell me when we were in high school that you want to be in the Navy and now, you are! I am reminiscing of the good old days. I remember our chess games and the letter you asked me to give to someone. I better stop writing now because I am saying so much already. Hahaha! Kilala mo pa kaya kami? Haayyyyy!)

P.S. I forgot to say that she also has a very good voice. I used to ask her to sing when we were in high school.

We only got to see Mama for a while before they head to Cavite. Johanne was with them. I miss my nephew. He is a bright young boy.

Kayeh and I didn't get anything yesterday. Not even a bar of chocolate! But I will go home on Friday to get the loots that I've been talking about the other day. Mama told us that she bought Kayeh and I a Mango bag. I love Mama! Is there really such? I mean, I thought Mango is just a clothing line.

Rayman and I watched 300 yesterday. It is really a good movie. We also played in Worlds of Fun and Timezone yesterday and we had no luck! We didn't get many tickets. I was so disappointed. Good thing Kayeh donated her tickets to us. I am gonna get the small stuff toy the next time we play.

I am PMS-ing once again. Warning: This is a rant blog.

Why does the subject of me being blunt and tactless have to come up again? This is not my fault! That's not what I mean with what I said. You're the one who gave a different meaning. And that's my fault because I should have said it in a better way. What the?! You're the one who interpreted it wrongly. It wouldn't have hurt if you interpreted it literally.

But you really have to overanalyze and give other meaning to what I said. Then, you have to tell me that I have to change because I am blunt and tactless and that my words sometimes cut like a knife.

"Kailangan lang talaga ay acceptance [para mabago yan]." Say that to yourself! Why don't you just accept me for who I am? I mean what I say and I say what I mean. It's called honesty. Not many people can take that or do that. I'd rather be tactless than hypocrite! I really hate this! Why do I always have to defend myself for what I say? Why should I really care if people get hurt with what I say when I am actually saying the truth? Why should I bother if my intentions are misunderstood? Why should I give a damn when what I say is misinterpreted?

Why does it have to be my fault? Is it? And why can't you see that I am trying hard? Really hard! But it's not that easy. What do I do when I can't help it? What do I do if I am provoked? And what am I suppose to do when I am misinterpreted? I am always misinterpreted! Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with them because it's me! It's my fault that I get misinterpreted. Everything is my fault! Maybe I shouldn't be writing this blog because someone might get offended. I wish I was born mute. (Oops! Be careful what you wish for. I take that statement back. I don't want to be mute.) Waaaahhh!

Do I really have to change? I think you're exaggerating. You're afraid of what will happen and of clashes that have yet to occur. Why do you have to worry about the future? Can't you just accept that I am straight-forward? People have accepted me for that. Others understand me because I am frank. They know that I won't say something unless I am provoked.

Then you tell me that you do this because you love us. Then, you go complaining to me that whenever you say this to people, they get mad of you and you're tired of that. Haven't you thought, even just once, that maybe you were wrong? That maybe you're not suppose to do that and that's the reason why you get all those negative reactions from us?

I understand you, even if you don't believe me. I know that you just want me to be a better person but you also have to be patient. (And you actually want me to be a saint!) It's not something that I can do overnight. I am even finding it hard to accept that I have to change that because that's part of who I am. The very thing that people hates about me is the very thing that others like about me.

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Word of Advice: Hindi ako marunong, Hindi ko alam kung paano or the likes are lousy excuses! It's not a crime to ask a question. In the first place, that's the reason why you're asking. Why would you ask if you already know? (Am I making sense? Whatever!)

It was quite odd that I only got to update my blog only once last week. It's because the Internet connection has been quite unpredicatable last week. Sometimes, you have it and most of the time, you don't. And when you have it, you'll lose patience waiting for a page to open. A very unproductive week! I wasn't able to work well last week because of the slow and intermittent Internet connection. I hope things will get back to normal soon.

Here is something that I wrote last week. I decided to post it althought it's already overdue.

Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. -Proverbs 19:21 I really have lots of plan right now but some things are not falling into places. Sometimes I want to question God why certain things do not go the way I planned them or why certain events block or hinder me from executing my plan. Whenever I came across these situations, I am always reminded of what my father once told me, "When God closes the door, He opens the windows." I guess, God has better plans for me. I may not be able understand it as of now but I hope to realize in the future that it is what suits me best. Problems and hindrances teach me to trust in God's wisdom in my life and patience at the same time. --------

Updates

Tomorrow is a special day. It's our 27th monthsary and Mama's arrival. I won't be working tomorrow to see Mama in the airport before she goes home in Cavite. Of course, I will ransack her pasalubong (Is there an English term for pasalubong. If there is, I do not know.). I will get that spreadable pizza slice-shaped cheese wrapped in aluminum foil in circular carton containers (I swear this cheese is delicious), vienna chicken sausages and chocolates (I miss Snickers!).

Anyway, I saw Rom last week in Gateway. Cheche, Lovely and I were chatting in Cafe Bola as we wait for our boyfriends' set to finish when she approached me. It was a very brief encounter. She left with her friend and we didn't get to talk that much.

Last Sunday, my sister and I just did some general cleaning. It doesn't look like a bodega anymore. I've been wanting to clean it but I have been busy and thank God I was able to squeeze some time to do it last Sunday.

I was with my friend Eps last Friday night. We were suppose to have a movie marathon but the pirated DVDs didn’t cooperate so we were able to finish just one movie. We were suppose to watch The Devil Wears Prada but it won’t play. We opted for The Holiday and just when we were enjoying the movie, it changed to a foreign language and all was bafflegab. We were desperate to finish it so we tried to make do with the subtitles but they weren’t so helpful. You really have to analyze the sentences or rearrange the words for them to make sense. We wanted to cry. Later on, it switched back to English and it was music to our ears. We thought we’ll be able to get through with this then suddenly it stopped and no matter what we do, it won’t play. Therefore, we were not able to the movie. We ended up watching Material Girl.

We slept early- 4:30 am. Then we woke up at 8:00 am. We had our breakfast - smoked fish (parang ang sosyal ng tinapa sa English. Hehe!), salted eggs and sliced tomatoes. A satisfying first meal of the day! (Though I do not think the company doctor will be delighted to hear about that meal because he suggested a low salt diet. What the heck! I don’t even believe that I have UTI. I don’t want to drink the medicine.)

Eps and I left her place by lunch time. I headed to Rayman’s place and ate lunch with him. Afterwards, I slept and woke up at 4 PM. We left his house later on and went to Italianni’s in Gateway for Breakway’s gig. I reached home at 1 pm.

I spent the next day with my sister Kayeh. We went out to buy a few stuff and then did some cleaning and washing. And that’s how I spent my weekend.

------- I forgot to mention that Bang called us using her 3G phone when we arrived at Eps place. I didn’t really understand a lot of the things that she said but it was nice to see her and talk to her. She was with the same ADS people that Eps and Bang used to be with in college. It was nice to see them. It brought a lot of memories of my wonderful college life.

It's 44 days before my birthday so I've decided to post my wish list!

1. digicam
2. choker with cameo pendant like this


Image from www.gardenofearrings.com

3. pocket watch


Image from en.wikipedia.org
(Wala lang! I just feel like I was born in the 60s or 70s. Hahahaha!)

4. thumb drive
5. head phones
6. mini drawers

Image from www.sortprice.com

or racks


Image from www.amracks.co.uk
(Isn't it obvious that I need to organize my stuff?)

7. sweater bag

Image from www.bizrate.com

8. bed sheets (preferred colors blue, green, pink)
9. pillowcases - for 20"x30" pillow or hotdog pillow (same color preferences as above)
10. sneakers or rubber shoes
11. books (any of these)
 • The Notebook - Nicholas Sparks
 • A Walk to Remember - Nicholas Sparks (although I have read this already)
 • Harry Potter (books 1-7)
 • The Last Juror - John Grisham
 • The Broker - John Grisham
 • Skipping Christmas - John Grisham
 • The Street Lawyer - John Grisham
 • The Innocent Man - John Grisham
 • The Bleachers - John Grisham
 • A Painted House - John Grisham
 • Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom
 • Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom (although I've read this one too)
Or whatever book you think I would like. I love books!
12. sandals (size 7), pants (26) or blouses (usually small or extra small) (My size varies depending on the brand. So, I'll just accompany you when you buy. Hehehe!)
13. notebooks
14. blazer or jacket
15. stationery
16. bag
17. Trip for two to Palawan
(Okay! Enough! This is getting longer and longer.)

But this is just my wish list. You can still give me things that are not in the list. Hehehe!

Last Saturday, we had our annual meeting with contributors. It went well but I cannot say that for my performance as a host of the event. Hahaha!

My officemates told me that we will eat a lot during the buffet lunch but we didn't! It seems that I was the only one with a cow's stomach here. And really, why do buffet food makes you get full easily?

We had a lot of leftovers. Too bad I don't have a container because if I had, I would definitely take home some of those lasagna. We've paid all of the food already but we weren't able to consume all of it. Sayang! But we ransacked the nachos. I got a small plastic bag full of nachos. I brought it when I went to Rayman's house and we ate it during our movie marathon. Anyway, here's just a few thoughts.

• Rayman and I have lives of our own and I think that's healthy. We enjoy each other's company and I want to be with him always but we give each other space. I let him spend time with his friends and he does the same for me. AND, my happiness and enjoyment doesn't depend on him. But he really makes me happy and I enjoy his company a lot. So what's my point? We shouldn't let our world revolve around a single person because it will make us lose our identity. And when that person leaves you, it would be hard to find reasons to be happy.

• I really don't buy the idea "Okay lang na mambabae siya. Alam ko naman na sa akin din siya babalik." I don't understand where some women got this "philosophy."

I really warned Rayman not to make the mistake of having another woman because I would really break up with him when I discover it. No explanations needed. I am saying this because I know I am a good girlfriend (if not the best) and I don't deserve that. Besides, it's stupid to do that! Why would you risk the relationship (if it really means a lot to you) for someone else? Is it worth it?

I also do not understand why you need another man or woman when you are already committed to one. That is so unfair to the other person. If you're not happy with the one you have, maybe you should dump him/her first before having another one.

And men, oh please, don't give me the men-are-polygamous-by-nature crap! I don't believe that! It just goes to show how weak men are in controlling themselves.

But then, it's the rational me speaking here. I really wouldn't know how I would react when it happens but I am confident it wouldn't.

FYI, Rayman and I are not having problems. I am merely voicing my opinion on things.

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HIM: .... Mis n kita!
ME: bkt m nman ako namimiss e d naman ako nwa2la. Hehe! (Mali pa ang punctuation ng lola! At pa-cute pa!)
What I really wanted to say:
Really?! Huh! Eh di ngayon nagsisisi ka! You're too late. Tooooo late.
HIM: ...Wla bkit msma b mamis un kaibigan? (Deliberately put the word kaibigan to emphasize that he knows where he stands.) Bkit ikaw ndi nb, nklimutan mo nb ako mamis? (Hmm... Medyo! Pa-cute na nga ako mas pa-cute pa drama mo. Haha!)
ME: Nyek! Drama k nman! Hndi nman s d kta namimiss. Sbihin n lng ntin na mrmi ng ngbago sa ating 2 at nkaadjust n tlga ko.
Interpretation:
Yeah, I don't miss you anymore. I have really moved on and I have realized how stupid I was in the past.

Yesterday, we were informed that our department outing will be in Boracay, Iloilo and Guimaras this April 27-30. As early as yesterday, we were asked to sign a paper indicating whether we are joining or not. Of course, I chose to join the outing.

I do not want to sound proud but I am not really that excited for Boracay because I have heard that it's not that clean anymore. But a part of me wanted to see it because I have heard a lot about the place. I am curious, really. It may sound funny but I am really more excited in travelling by ship and by airplane. It feels like my first time though, technically, it's not because I have rode an airplane when I was still a baby. But, of course, I don't remember how it feels because I was just two years old then. So, I am looking forward to riding an airplane like a 6 years old kid. I am really wondering how it feels like when you're up above. Will I be able to look down? You see, I am acrophobic.

Rayman asked me if he can come with me. He can’t. That’s the sad part of it. I told him that the two of us can go there in the future. Hmm.... I wonder when we’ll be able to do that.